This week hasn't been what l expected it to be. lt hasn't been quite what l wanted it to be either. My mother came down the first time in over a year. lt's a trip that has, sadly, been postponed three times, for various yet important reasons. Finally, after a great deal of impatient anticipation, she is here, and we chose to spend this short week in the San Juan islands off the coast of Washington. We are staying with a longtime family friend at his lovely home here, and l am grateful for his company and hospitality, yet, given his close relationship with my mom and his apparently complete lack of awareness, it has escaped his attention that she and l need some real quality time together, and instead seems to be vying desperately for time with her that l also badly need and am selfishly loath to share. For a majority of my young life, l've not had as much time with her as l would have liked, and it is during this particular visit that l realize just how much l resent both the distance between us and any company of hers l must share. This brings with it shame because l'm not a callous individual, worry because l don't know how to reverse it, and self righteousness that l feel l deserve the right to all her time during the brief visits we have together.
Mom is acutely aware of our need to spend time together, especially during this visit. l recently asked her to tell me more of her life before l came along; how she came to be my father's bride, mother to her daughter, and the events that shaped her up until those points. This is mainly born of a fear that she will die before l know her as intimately as l'd like, and l want to understand her better and more fully than l currently do. She chose to accept this challenge, and has written a short synopsis called "Memoirs for an audience of One", an incredible piece of work in which she details her childhood and moments in her life l always WISHED she'd share, but assumed she never would, because l was her daughter, not her confidante. However, l asked her to share her life as a woman, not a mother, and she has done so, and beautifully.
ln this memoir, she shares detail that is painful, joyful, precious, and much of which is deeply private and personal in regards to the both of us. l am not excluded from these memoirs - l am still her daughter, and a major part of her life. But these include details of her first marriage that allow me to further comprehend a divorce l probably chose to pretend didn't bother me because l knew it was the best for all involved, and throughout which l didn't want to be cause for concern. She clues me into her vulnerabilities, her insecurities, her triumphs, her failures, her confidence, her peace. This memoir answers many questions, but produces far more on my part that she seems eager and willing to answer, and l am deeply grateful for this. l am also excited to have these conversations - which brings me back to my original point.
We arrived at the island, and John picked us up. Shortly after getting there, and after our tour of the house and lodgings, he wanted to take us on a tour of the island. For the next two days, he was supposed to be working afternoons, but for whatever reason, did not. So we spent almost ALL of both days meeting all his friends on the island, having dinner with several and tea with yet another. Most of the other time we spent driving around, seeing the island, looking at the view, hiking. By the end of it, l think Mom and l were both too exhausted and overwhelmed by all the activity and energy to do much of anything. All l know is that we just wanted some peace to catch up and expand our relationship. But of course, later on in the evening, we discovered John had arranged a meetup today that we couldn't talk our way out of without being rude, and now, here l sit, writing because l feel compelled to do so, but also because l want John to have more time with her since we're leaving the island in the morning. l have all day with her tomorrow (Thursday) and she leaves early the next morning. We've had about five hours so far this trip to talk, most that being the car and boat ride here.
Don't get me wrong. l love John. He watched me grow up, and though he was a vague memory, l remember liking him very much, and that hasn't changed. My appreciation for the time l've spent with his fellow residents and the island on which they live is deep and genuine, so much so that l plan to return for future visits. But aside from my desire to have had more time with Mom, l really needed time for ME. l was hoping to come here, spend some good time with her on the veranda, draw, write, watch the deer, listen to the birds, the water, the wind in the trees, look at the stars, draw and write some more....get my head together, prepare for busy months ahead. *l* needed the retreat, and in yet another selfishly guilty way, l feel robbed. Tomorrow, it's back to the city, to the chaotic, and also the vastly mundane. lt has been a nice break - no cellphone signal to interrupt the still, soothing sound of nature...a wireless connection that was available, yet strangely far less appealing than it ever usually is for me (and y'all KNOW l'm an addict!!!)....the opportunity to appreciate NOT having a smoke, and instead breathing deep, filling breaths of fresh air (though l admit to giving in to my habit a couple of times, hehe). l love this state, this scenery, the ability to appreciate it with someone l love so deeply and who affirms my existence so wholly.
l feel guilty for wanting more than l'm given, especially when l have so much. This has been the dichotomy of growing up overseas and then being angry when my parents chose to stay there. But such is my fate, and such is my choice to deal with it in a way that makes me either grateful or bitter. l cannot choose the latter - to do so would be incredibly, unforgivably graceless. lt would negate what l HAVE had this week - the beauty of life outside of the city, the wonderful company of my mother, and the desperately needed break l've been given to reorganize myself and reconnect with my spirit.
Do l wish this week had gone somewhat differently? Yeah, l can't lie. Do l wish l'd had more time with my mama? Again, yes, l can't lie. Would l trade this week for one in which l did not get even the smallest percentage of the very things my soul needed to continue thriving? Not in a million years, and not for a million bucks. And l can rest easy now, knowing that despite not getting exactly the results l so earnestly covet, l will never regret what l am given. Amen.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 6, 2006
71 Questions
This one's long, but some of my old blogs or entries just have fun facts that l'd like to keep around so l don't have to repeat them.
[1] What is your middle name?
Albright.
[2] What color is your mailbox?
Could give a shit.
[3] Do you have a crush?
Several. Both sexes.
[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
??? naw.
[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yep.
[6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning?
Nope.
[7] Who checks the mail in your house?
Me.
[8] Do you have a small driveway ?
Nope. Don't have one.
[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
No.
[10] What do you do first in the morning?
Pee.
[11] What brand is your printer?
Can't remember. lt don't work no mo'.
[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people?
Not at all...though l hold my own if l'm unfortunate to find myself in one. l prefer compromise and acceptance of personal responsibility. l'm not a hater.
[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Curly.
[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher?
How the hell am l supposed to remember THAT?
[16] Are you taller than your mother?
No, but it's a running joke that l check every time she comes to town just to see if l've grown any.
[17] Do you have a favorite word?
Gank. As in "Bitch, you ganked my lighter, give it back." Flashback from high school.
[18] Are you God?
No, but l like to think l got a little in me here and there.
[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
lt's been a while since l had one, but l usually try to work out what l did wrong in the situation, appreciate the positive and the things l learned from the negative, and l always try to remain friends if possible.
[20] Do you have a deep, dark secret?
Well, yeah, but like l'm gonna tell YOU.
[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
When they're available, yeah. lt's the kid in me.
[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My whole body hurts.
[24] Do you often cry during movies?
Not really, l'm not a huge girly movie fan. l did cry in Field of Dreams, though.
[25] Do you hate your life?
Not at all. There are things l'd like to improve upon, but no.
[26] Do you get mad easily?
No. Annoyed, yes, but downright angry, no.
[27] Do you drink to get drunk?
To quote my friend Conceptual lnnovator: "No, that's just a by-product." A common one...but a by-product nonetheless.
[28] What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who chew with their mouth open or smack when they're eating. Others include obnoxiousness, and men who brag about the size of their dicks. And people who talk over me when l'm in the middle of saying something. Or watching a movie. Or on the phone with someone else.
[29] What is your away message?
Um..."l'm away"?? Who the fuck came up with these questions?
[30] Do any of your friends have kids?
Yes, and it's likely l'll be the last to have them.
[32] Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever asks first....but both should be prepared to go dutch and do so gracefully.
33] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
3-6 years. Only because l'm still a big kid.
[34] Do you have any friends?
Again, who the fuck came up with these questions? Yes, l have a few.
[35] Do you have any mean friends?
Some aren't willing to pussyfoot around matters, and are therefore seen as mean by the uber-sensitive. lt's subjective.
[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
Pink and orange.
[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
See above on the mean friends question.
[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Not specifically. There was a time in high school l considered and tried other options.
[39] Have you ever been fired from a job?
Yes. Not proud.
[40] What year was your first love?
First kid love, at fourteen. First real love (or at least more conscious), nineteen.
[41] Do you have a cell?
l've been put in one a couple of times...oh. A cellphone. Yeah, mine got stolen a couple of weeks ago. l now have a temporary one until l replace the other. Fucking thieving bitches. Those of you friends of mine that have tried to call me, fear not...the same number will be working again today or tomorrow.
(2010 edit: Now my phone situation currently stands at broken. Again. l'd like to throw it against a wall, but apparently that won't do me any good. l'll be buying a new one shortly.)
[42] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?]
Kikwear
(2010 edit: Pants?)
[43] How tall are you?
5'5" and a half. That half an inch really counts.
[44] What is the closest green object?
*coughcough* l plead the fifth.
[45] What is on your feet?
Nuthin.
[46] Do you like watermelon?
Depends on my mood.
[48] Do you want to have kids?
Eventually, l think. l'm still on the fence, but more so because l'm not sure about the world l'd be bringing them into, not because l don't want to.
(2010 edit: Still not sure. But mainly because l may be too old by the time someone decides he wants to have babies with me to begin with. Also, l think my genes are defective.)
[49] What is the brightest color you're wearing?
Ummm...black.
[50] Who is the last friend you have that you would ever expect to be gay?
l'm blessed with gaydar. l usually know before they do. l honestly don't remember the last time l was surprised.
[52] Whats your mothers middle name?
Ann
[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw?
Recently, they all got beat out by UltraViolet.
[54] Do you collect comic books?
Yes...Elric, Elfquest, and X-Men. Elfquest is my current obsession.
[55] Do you like your dad?
We had some very rocky years between sixteen and twenty, but he's been an incredible father for the most part, so yes.
(2010 edit: l like him more and more as time goes on. l'm blessed.)
[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Firefly and Buffy. Don't laugh and if you do, bite me. Joss Whedon's a pretty funny fucking writer.
(2010 edit: Dexter)
[57] Are you wearing makeup?
Mascara.
[58] Do you have a tattoo?
Seven.
(2010 edit: Eight.)
[59] Have you ever been happily in love?
For a time, most definitely.
[60] If you won the lottery you would.....?..
Pay off my debts, finance my business, go visit my parents overseas, and probably move back overseas myself. Somewhere in there l'd invest a pretty decent amount and let that shit collect interest.
[61] Is there something you want to tell someone, but you haven't?
Yes. Many times.
[62] Do you know how to draw?
Yeah. Pretty damn good at it too.
[63] Who is your hero?
My mother, my uncle, and a number of others.
[64] Who'd you last IMed?
Nobody you know.
[65.] Do you work a lot of hours?
Yes.
[66] What do you do when you are stressed out?
Breathe. Write. Dance. Draw.
[67] Who was the last person that called you?
Josh
[68] Is there anything you regret?
l *might* do something differently the next time around were l given the chance, but l'm not sure how that would affect my future after that, so no. What l am is a result of both my mistakes and successes.
[69] Do you know where your family names originated from?
Wales, Germany, and France.
[70] Is there any animal that creeps you out?
Not that l can think of....
[71] What was the last thing you did for fun?
Jumped in a pool and drank mimosas.
[1] What is your middle name?
Albright.
[2] What color is your mailbox?
Could give a shit.
[3] Do you have a crush?
Several. Both sexes.
[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
??? naw.
[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yep.
[6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning?
Nope.
[7] Who checks the mail in your house?
Me.
[8] Do you have a small driveway ?
Nope. Don't have one.
[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
No.
[10] What do you do first in the morning?
Pee.
[11] What brand is your printer?
Can't remember. lt don't work no mo'.
[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people?
Not at all...though l hold my own if l'm unfortunate to find myself in one. l prefer compromise and acceptance of personal responsibility. l'm not a hater.
[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Curly.
[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher?
How the hell am l supposed to remember THAT?
[16] Are you taller than your mother?
No, but it's a running joke that l check every time she comes to town just to see if l've grown any.
[17] Do you have a favorite word?
Gank. As in "Bitch, you ganked my lighter, give it back." Flashback from high school.
[18] Are you God?
No, but l like to think l got a little in me here and there.
[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
lt's been a while since l had one, but l usually try to work out what l did wrong in the situation, appreciate the positive and the things l learned from the negative, and l always try to remain friends if possible.
[20] Do you have a deep, dark secret?
Well, yeah, but like l'm gonna tell YOU.
[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
When they're available, yeah. lt's the kid in me.
[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My whole body hurts.
[24] Do you often cry during movies?
Not really, l'm not a huge girly movie fan. l did cry in Field of Dreams, though.
[25] Do you hate your life?
Not at all. There are things l'd like to improve upon, but no.
[26] Do you get mad easily?
No. Annoyed, yes, but downright angry, no.
[27] Do you drink to get drunk?
To quote my friend Conceptual lnnovator: "No, that's just a by-product." A common one...but a by-product nonetheless.
[28] What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who chew with their mouth open or smack when they're eating. Others include obnoxiousness, and men who brag about the size of their dicks. And people who talk over me when l'm in the middle of saying something. Or watching a movie. Or on the phone with someone else.
[29] What is your away message?
Um..."l'm away"?? Who the fuck came up with these questions?
[30] Do any of your friends have kids?
Yes, and it's likely l'll be the last to have them.
[32] Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever asks first....but both should be prepared to go dutch and do so gracefully.
33] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
3-6 years. Only because l'm still a big kid.
[34] Do you have any friends?
Again, who the fuck came up with these questions? Yes, l have a few.
[35] Do you have any mean friends?
Some aren't willing to pussyfoot around matters, and are therefore seen as mean by the uber-sensitive. lt's subjective.
[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
Pink and orange.
[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
See above on the mean friends question.
[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Not specifically. There was a time in high school l considered and tried other options.
[39] Have you ever been fired from a job?
Yes. Not proud.
[40] What year was your first love?
First kid love, at fourteen. First real love (or at least more conscious), nineteen.
[41] Do you have a cell?
l've been put in one a couple of times...oh. A cellphone. Yeah, mine got stolen a couple of weeks ago. l now have a temporary one until l replace the other. Fucking thieving bitches. Those of you friends of mine that have tried to call me, fear not...the same number will be working again today or tomorrow.
(2010 edit: Now my phone situation currently stands at broken. Again. l'd like to throw it against a wall, but apparently that won't do me any good. l'll be buying a new one shortly.)
[42] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?]
Kikwear
(2010 edit: Pants?)
[43] How tall are you?
5'5" and a half. That half an inch really counts.
[44] What is the closest green object?
*coughcough* l plead the fifth.
[45] What is on your feet?
Nuthin.
[46] Do you like watermelon?
Depends on my mood.
[48] Do you want to have kids?
Eventually, l think. l'm still on the fence, but more so because l'm not sure about the world l'd be bringing them into, not because l don't want to.
(2010 edit: Still not sure. But mainly because l may be too old by the time someone decides he wants to have babies with me to begin with. Also, l think my genes are defective.)
[49] What is the brightest color you're wearing?
Ummm...black.
[50] Who is the last friend you have that you would ever expect to be gay?
l'm blessed with gaydar. l usually know before they do. l honestly don't remember the last time l was surprised.
[52] Whats your mothers middle name?
Ann
[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw?
Recently, they all got beat out by UltraViolet.
[54] Do you collect comic books?
Yes...Elric, Elfquest, and X-Men. Elfquest is my current obsession.
[55] Do you like your dad?
We had some very rocky years between sixteen and twenty, but he's been an incredible father for the most part, so yes.
(2010 edit: l like him more and more as time goes on. l'm blessed.)
[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Firefly and Buffy. Don't laugh and if you do, bite me. Joss Whedon's a pretty funny fucking writer.
(2010 edit: Dexter)
[57] Are you wearing makeup?
Mascara.
[58] Do you have a tattoo?
Seven.
(2010 edit: Eight.)
[59] Have you ever been happily in love?
For a time, most definitely.
[60] If you won the lottery you would.....?..
Pay off my debts, finance my business, go visit my parents overseas, and probably move back overseas myself. Somewhere in there l'd invest a pretty decent amount and let that shit collect interest.
[61] Is there something you want to tell someone, but you haven't?
Yes. Many times.
[62] Do you know how to draw?
Yeah. Pretty damn good at it too.
[63] Who is your hero?
My mother, my uncle, and a number of others.
[64] Who'd you last IMed?
Nobody you know.
[65.] Do you work a lot of hours?
Yes.
[66] What do you do when you are stressed out?
Breathe. Write. Dance. Draw.
[67] Who was the last person that called you?
Josh
[68] Is there anything you regret?
l *might* do something differently the next time around were l given the chance, but l'm not sure how that would affect my future after that, so no. What l am is a result of both my mistakes and successes.
[69] Do you know where your family names originated from?
Wales, Germany, and France.
[70] Is there any animal that creeps you out?
Not that l can think of....
[71] What was the last thing you did for fun?
Jumped in a pool and drank mimosas.
This was a thing someone sent where l had to discuss 8 things about me. l forgot about it, but l like it, so l'm posting it. With edits.
1. I like Cheetos with vanilla ice cream.
2. My parents took me to a nude beach accidentally once when I was five (it was just advertised in a guidebook with no mention of the nudism), and I was so aghast that there were so many ‘poor’ people there who couldn’t afford clothing that I got hysterical when my parents refused to give me money for them.
3. I was an only child until I was twenty four. I now have two step siblings in their thirties and a seven year old half brother.
4. The only bones I’ve broken have been my big toes – my left three times, and my right twice. All but one dancing barefoot.
5. I have a weird habit of rubbing the backs of my arms when they get cold to the touch. It bugs me for some reason that the fronts are warm when the backs aren’t, so you can always catch me rubbing the backs of my arms, but not my fronts…even if it’s not that cold outside.
6. There’s a star tattoo in the hollow of my neck that was actually a friendship tattoo…but you guessed it, we’re no longer friends. Long story, different paths.
7. My three to five year goal is to have an organization up and running (or be networking with an already established one) that benefits and raises awareness for special needs children in impoverished countries. My recent trip to Kenya yielded several people already in the field who may be able to help me achieve that goal quicker and easier. lf it happens, l will probably move back to Nairobi. I’ll have to do some research, but overseas is where I belong…and overseas is where I intend to go.
8. I went to jail for several weed related misdemeanors between the ages of eighteen and nineteen, and during that time, figured out that even at the smallest setting, I can take handcuffs off. I kept giving them back to my *very* butch booking officer, who seemed to love the fact that I could remove em in the first place, and after I convinced her (with a bit of eyelash batting) that I wasn’t going anywhere – and how could I? – she let me go without.
1. I like Cheetos with vanilla ice cream.
2. My parents took me to a nude beach accidentally once when I was five (it was just advertised in a guidebook with no mention of the nudism), and I was so aghast that there were so many ‘poor’ people there who couldn’t afford clothing that I got hysterical when my parents refused to give me money for them.
3. I was an only child until I was twenty four. I now have two step siblings in their thirties and a seven year old half brother.
4. The only bones I’ve broken have been my big toes – my left three times, and my right twice. All but one dancing barefoot.
5. I have a weird habit of rubbing the backs of my arms when they get cold to the touch. It bugs me for some reason that the fronts are warm when the backs aren’t, so you can always catch me rubbing the backs of my arms, but not my fronts…even if it’s not that cold outside.
6. There’s a star tattoo in the hollow of my neck that was actually a friendship tattoo…but you guessed it, we’re no longer friends. Long story, different paths.
7. My three to five year goal is to have an organization up and running (or be networking with an already established one) that benefits and raises awareness for special needs children in impoverished countries. My recent trip to Kenya yielded several people already in the field who may be able to help me achieve that goal quicker and easier. lf it happens, l will probably move back to Nairobi. I’ll have to do some research, but overseas is where I belong…and overseas is where I intend to go.
8. I went to jail for several weed related misdemeanors between the ages of eighteen and nineteen, and during that time, figured out that even at the smallest setting, I can take handcuffs off. I kept giving them back to my *very* butch booking officer, who seemed to love the fact that I could remove em in the first place, and after I convinced her (with a bit of eyelash batting) that I wasn’t going anywhere – and how could I? – she let me go without.
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