l watched Hotel Rwanda the other night. My mother was there on business during that time, or part of it anyway...
l love being a dating coach. l love, love, love helping people find happiness.
l grew up with my parents, with these inspiring humanitarians. l decided at a young age that my particular field was elsewhere.
l saw my home in that movie.
l saw my place in that movie.
l saw my heart in that movie.
lt may be time to start thinking about how to get back, and rethinking how l get there.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
l found my new mantra last night
l'm very happy with it. "l'm a big fat pain in my own ass, and l need to get out of my way." l think this is nifty, and works quite well for me in light of my general recent emotional and mental insanity. Some of you got the text message l sent out last night about this. Now l will tell you the story of why and how it came to be. Don't worry, it's pretty clear fairly quickly, so this'll be brief.
Last night, l went to the bar with the intent of hanging out and having a hot toddy and writing in my journal. l saw a girl there that l've seen around, but never much talked to. She's pretty young, gotta be just barely twenty one. High, sort of manic energy, typical of a young woman her age. She was there with her boyfriend. At some point, we all started playing pool. Her man bought me a Guiness, same thing they were drinking. At some point during the game, he apparently took sips from the wrong beer, and she went OFF. l mean, literally took his beer and POURED SOME OF IT BACK INTO MINE AND HER GLASSES since she couldn't figure out whose beer it was he drank from. Who could and who cared? We all had about the same amount. She sat there for TEN FREAKING MINUTES yelling at him about drinking other people's beer, during which time l was piping up with stuff like "Really, l don't have cooties, and don't care about getting a few", and "Girl, it's OHHHHKAY, plenty more beer in those taps behind the bar", to which she's responding, "Yeah, l KNOW, but that's not the point.". l was just DYING to go, "Yes, yes, your point is that you want to throw a fit over something reeeeallly fucking stupid and selfishly ruin your boyfriend's night", but of course, l didn't. At one point she had her back to me, and he looked over her shoulder at me like a poor cornered animal and l shrugged and gave him a look that went 'YOU picked her, dude.", and let her ramble while l kicked both their asses at Cutthroat. <G>
My life could be SO much worse right now. l could be dumb enough to date that girl. l could *be* that girl. But, like me (though for different reasons), she's a big fat pain in her own ass and needs to get out of her own way.
And that's how l came up with my mantra. Plus, laughing at yourself is never a bad thing.
Last night, l went to the bar with the intent of hanging out and having a hot toddy and writing in my journal. l saw a girl there that l've seen around, but never much talked to. She's pretty young, gotta be just barely twenty one. High, sort of manic energy, typical of a young woman her age. She was there with her boyfriend. At some point, we all started playing pool. Her man bought me a Guiness, same thing they were drinking. At some point during the game, he apparently took sips from the wrong beer, and she went OFF. l mean, literally took his beer and POURED SOME OF IT BACK INTO MINE AND HER GLASSES since she couldn't figure out whose beer it was he drank from. Who could and who cared? We all had about the same amount. She sat there for TEN FREAKING MINUTES yelling at him about drinking other people's beer, during which time l was piping up with stuff like "Really, l don't have cooties, and don't care about getting a few", and "Girl, it's OHHHHKAY, plenty more beer in those taps behind the bar", to which she's responding, "Yeah, l KNOW, but that's not the point.". l was just DYING to go, "Yes, yes, your point is that you want to throw a fit over something reeeeallly fucking stupid and selfishly ruin your boyfriend's night", but of course, l didn't. At one point she had her back to me, and he looked over her shoulder at me like a poor cornered animal and l shrugged and gave him a look that went 'YOU picked her, dude.", and let her ramble while l kicked both their asses at Cutthroat. <G>
My life could be SO much worse right now. l could be dumb enough to date that girl. l could *be* that girl. But, like me (though for different reasons), she's a big fat pain in her own ass and needs to get out of her own way.
And that's how l came up with my mantra. Plus, laughing at yourself is never a bad thing.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Grrrreeeeaaat
So l get this text message."9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are fucking, and one lonely motherfucker is reading this message."
Guess who the one is.
Grr.
Guess who the one is.
Grr.
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
Excerpts from a wise woman
This is an excerpt from the memoirs of my mother's l mention in one of my blogs. lt's something l feel comfortable sharing, and it has a sort of general, universal quality to it in that l think we can all see ourselves in her words somewhere. lt's given me a lot to think on, and is only one of many things that make me proud to be her daughter, and lucky to have her as a mother.
The lmportant Lessons
lt's really hard to write down lessons that don't sound like shallow platitudes ----- like "Friends are the most important thing in life" ---- ugh...So l'll try to be explicit about why the following insights are real, practical guides to my actions versus good ideas l plucked out of the air. They were born out of experience and were usually learned the hard way. They influence what l do in many ways.
1. We have been given enormous freedom --- often more than we want. lt's sometimes tempting to give away my freedom to decide, act, or assume responsibility to circumstances beyond my control or a spouse or social norms or friends or liquor and drugs or physical/psychological limitations. But at the end of the day, l have to live with myself and with my decisions. l have to acknowledge that they were freely made, some for the right reasons, and some not. l believe the Garden of Eden story is mainly about freedom ---- Adam and Eve were give utter freedom to fuck up. God said "Don't", and they did. Or maybe they were simply presented with a set of options, and they chose the wrong one. Whatever, our lives continue to one long challenge not to follow their example, though of course we do. ln my own life, the deep need for approval has led me to stay in some situations that l really should have gotten out of earlier. There were logical excuses for my decisions, but the truth is that it usually boiled down to being too chicken to suffer the consequences of freedom. Growing old makes these choices a little easier since you have less and less to lose.
2. l'm not responsible FOR any other adult, for how they live, the choices they make, their happiness, the lifestyle they adopt, their weaknesses or strengths. l can help people, walk by their sides, try to enable them or have a positive influence on them. l can confront them with "reality". l can help them develop alternatives. But that's about it. Obviously children are in a separate category. By having them, we become responsible for them up to a certain age, and that responsibility includes loving, protecting, being kind, teaching, counseling, directing, feeding, clothing, nurturing, and so on. l only did a moderate job providing all those things, but it wasn't because l didn't understand them as my role. There were several years during which l thought of myself as a "healer". Then one day, the arrogance and illusion of that archetype hit me. l can't "heal" anyone. Real healing comes from within, from a decision to heal oneself and taking subsequent actions that lead to health. My responsibility begins and ends with supporting and assisting that journey in any way l can. That realization reduced a lot of stress in my life.
3. To have friends, you first have to decide what kind of friend you're going to be. Mara made a remark one day that has stuck with me, namely that there are two kinds of friends --- those who call and ask you to lunch and those who wait to be called. She said she was the latter. Most of my best friends are the latter. l am the former. l initiate friendships and work to nurture them. l try to be low-maintenance in all relationships ---- from Andrew to mere acquaintances. l try to be a good listener, because ultimately all anyone really wants is to be listened to, respected and taken seriously. Being this kind of friend has paid off in having wonderful people whom l love and vice versa. This doesn't mean l'm never disappointed. Friends sometimes don't reciprocate or support me like l wish they would. When l was recently very sick as well as when l broke my foot, only two of my friends here in Costa Rica called, no one came by, and the woman l consider my best friend never once called to check on me. Another person whom l count on for counself and affection was oblivious to a crisis l was experiencing because she had a trying situation of her own. So shit happens. lt helps to realize that l've also let others down, to know that they don't intend hurt and to simply practice forgiveness.
4. lt has never hurt me to face my fear or to face the fear l see in others. This doesn't mean it's easy to do either one. lt just means that asking the lion that's chasing you what he wants leads to insight and understanding, not death. lt leads to liberation. Fear is bondage, and breaking through your fear opens new vistas. There was a time in Andrew's and my courtship where l was going to break up with him. l was afraid of having my heart broken and l didn't think l could stand it. When l finally talked to the fear and asked what the worst was that could happen, two things got clear: one, my fear could and would kill the relationship if l didn't deal with it, and two, l could survive a broken heart a helluva lot better than l could survive being a coward. Fear of the truth in a relationship or sitting on anger, resentment or hurt is extremely damaging. Deciding to open up and how, when, and where to do so, is an art. l've been a lot more honest in recent years, and l'm still alive.
5. Nothing can rob me of my selfhood. No job, no person, no circumstance, however dire, can take away that which is essentially me. This concept is the core of Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. He gives numerous examples of people in Nazi death camps who maintained their hope, compassion and dignity even as they starved or entered the chambers. When l lost my friends in the sixth grade or lived in a dysfunctional marriage or worked in organizations that wanted all of me, l discovered that it was possible to give myself away --- to work too hard, be a doormat, chase after status or success or love. l did all those things at one time or another. l may have given myself away, but there was no one and nothing that ever ROBBED me --- and knowing that makes a big difference.
6. Pity and neediness can easily be confused with love. A life partner should bring out the best in you, and you should both like yourselves a lot when together, yet be able to function well when not. The same truism applies to friendships and work. One way of identifying the healthiness of love is to identify the "dance" that characterizes the relationship. ls it push and pull? ls it one person moving strongly and the other following meekly? ls it smooth or irregular? Do you step on each other's toes a lot? We all know when we're not dancing well together, but we often ignore the signs. Try not to. lt's very hard to change the dance once it's the norm.
7. When you're in a situation that is unwinnable, there's no point going down with the ship. Conversely, it's usually worth giving it everything you've got until the outcome is inevitable. The decision to stay in college until l could leave iwth my self-confidence intact was one of the smartest things l ever did. l left your dad only when l felt l'd exhausted all the options nad had no hope of improvement and no fear of regret. l resigned from CARE because once Steve (the boss) lost confidence in me, it was going to be all downhill. The tricky part of this insight is knowing when the tipping point comes. Don't act too soon, but act when you must.
8. Anger is debilitating and can get the best of me. l can handle hurt, sadness and grief. l can handle jealousy, though less effectively. But acknowledging and finding an acceptable outlet for anger has been tough. l've learned, however, that (a) if l give myself a little time and distance, (b) get an accurate understanding of what l'm angry about (versus displacing it onto a scapegoat) and (c) figure out a way to express it that minimizes the chance of hurting someone, it's much healther to get it out in the open. lt's much less damaging in the long run. Unexpressed anger doesn't go away. lt can eat up your insides or come out at the wrong target and the wrong time, doing much more harm than good. Anger is rarely irrational. There's a reason, maybe even a good one --- and it behooves me to find the root cause and deal with it.
9. Find out what nurtures your soul (your best, healthiest self) and what doesn't. The three things that are most healing and life-giving to me are prayer, solitutde and healthy living (emotional, social, physical). Doing something kind for someone is self-care. A daily rehearsal of everything l'm grateful for reminds me what a grand life l have in spite of various difficulties and hurdles. Organizing stuff, cleaning out the clutter (whether in closets or my brain) is always refreshing. l like to be smart physically, psychologically, and spiritually, and this means maintaining my exercise routing, spending time with Andrew and other friends, being alone, writing, painting, and even doing crossword puzzles. When l do things out of a need to keep up with the Joneses or establish my place or get approval, l begin to feel anxious and burned out, so l'm trying to stay clear on motivations.
10. Control is an illusion. There are some things we control of course, but ultimately, the events that really change our lives always include the reminder (usually via a whack on the side of the head) that we aren't in charge. A father's sudden death. A sick baby. Riots in Chicago. lllness, aging, death. And this is where my faith comes into play for me. l don't usually need God until l recognize that l'm not in the driver's seat and/or l can't manage alone. When l've messed up my life or am simply stumped, it's time to ask for help, to get in touch with the wisest part of myself that is God within. A faith in God isn't required here - it's knowing when we need to reach out, when we need to lean on others who can help us find our way, that's important. lt's knowing when we can't do it all by ourselves. My definitions of God, faith, soul, spirit, etc. are as open as possible, but l know it's critical for me to create a personal understanding of those things, one that can sustain me when losing my mind or drowning in hopelessness. lf l didn't have faith in SOMETHING, even if it's just *me*, l would have nothing.
The lmportant Lessons
lt's really hard to write down lessons that don't sound like shallow platitudes ----- like "Friends are the most important thing in life" ---- ugh...So l'll try to be explicit about why the following insights are real, practical guides to my actions versus good ideas l plucked out of the air. They were born out of experience and were usually learned the hard way. They influence what l do in many ways.
1. We have been given enormous freedom --- often more than we want. lt's sometimes tempting to give away my freedom to decide, act, or assume responsibility to circumstances beyond my control or a spouse or social norms or friends or liquor and drugs or physical/psychological limitations. But at the end of the day, l have to live with myself and with my decisions. l have to acknowledge that they were freely made, some for the right reasons, and some not. l believe the Garden of Eden story is mainly about freedom ---- Adam and Eve were give utter freedom to fuck up. God said "Don't", and they did. Or maybe they were simply presented with a set of options, and they chose the wrong one. Whatever, our lives continue to one long challenge not to follow their example, though of course we do. ln my own life, the deep need for approval has led me to stay in some situations that l really should have gotten out of earlier. There were logical excuses for my decisions, but the truth is that it usually boiled down to being too chicken to suffer the consequences of freedom. Growing old makes these choices a little easier since you have less and less to lose.
2. l'm not responsible FOR any other adult, for how they live, the choices they make, their happiness, the lifestyle they adopt, their weaknesses or strengths. l can help people, walk by their sides, try to enable them or have a positive influence on them. l can confront them with "reality". l can help them develop alternatives. But that's about it. Obviously children are in a separate category. By having them, we become responsible for them up to a certain age, and that responsibility includes loving, protecting, being kind, teaching, counseling, directing, feeding, clothing, nurturing, and so on. l only did a moderate job providing all those things, but it wasn't because l didn't understand them as my role. There were several years during which l thought of myself as a "healer". Then one day, the arrogance and illusion of that archetype hit me. l can't "heal" anyone. Real healing comes from within, from a decision to heal oneself and taking subsequent actions that lead to health. My responsibility begins and ends with supporting and assisting that journey in any way l can. That realization reduced a lot of stress in my life.
3. To have friends, you first have to decide what kind of friend you're going to be. Mara made a remark one day that has stuck with me, namely that there are two kinds of friends --- those who call and ask you to lunch and those who wait to be called. She said she was the latter. Most of my best friends are the latter. l am the former. l initiate friendships and work to nurture them. l try to be low-maintenance in all relationships ---- from Andrew to mere acquaintances. l try to be a good listener, because ultimately all anyone really wants is to be listened to, respected and taken seriously. Being this kind of friend has paid off in having wonderful people whom l love and vice versa. This doesn't mean l'm never disappointed. Friends sometimes don't reciprocate or support me like l wish they would. When l was recently very sick as well as when l broke my foot, only two of my friends here in Costa Rica called, no one came by, and the woman l consider my best friend never once called to check on me. Another person whom l count on for counself and affection was oblivious to a crisis l was experiencing because she had a trying situation of her own. So shit happens. lt helps to realize that l've also let others down, to know that they don't intend hurt and to simply practice forgiveness.
4. lt has never hurt me to face my fear or to face the fear l see in others. This doesn't mean it's easy to do either one. lt just means that asking the lion that's chasing you what he wants leads to insight and understanding, not death. lt leads to liberation. Fear is bondage, and breaking through your fear opens new vistas. There was a time in Andrew's and my courtship where l was going to break up with him. l was afraid of having my heart broken and l didn't think l could stand it. When l finally talked to the fear and asked what the worst was that could happen, two things got clear: one, my fear could and would kill the relationship if l didn't deal with it, and two, l could survive a broken heart a helluva lot better than l could survive being a coward. Fear of the truth in a relationship or sitting on anger, resentment or hurt is extremely damaging. Deciding to open up and how, when, and where to do so, is an art. l've been a lot more honest in recent years, and l'm still alive.
5. Nothing can rob me of my selfhood. No job, no person, no circumstance, however dire, can take away that which is essentially me. This concept is the core of Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. He gives numerous examples of people in Nazi death camps who maintained their hope, compassion and dignity even as they starved or entered the chambers. When l lost my friends in the sixth grade or lived in a dysfunctional marriage or worked in organizations that wanted all of me, l discovered that it was possible to give myself away --- to work too hard, be a doormat, chase after status or success or love. l did all those things at one time or another. l may have given myself away, but there was no one and nothing that ever ROBBED me --- and knowing that makes a big difference.
6. Pity and neediness can easily be confused with love. A life partner should bring out the best in you, and you should both like yourselves a lot when together, yet be able to function well when not. The same truism applies to friendships and work. One way of identifying the healthiness of love is to identify the "dance" that characterizes the relationship. ls it push and pull? ls it one person moving strongly and the other following meekly? ls it smooth or irregular? Do you step on each other's toes a lot? We all know when we're not dancing well together, but we often ignore the signs. Try not to. lt's very hard to change the dance once it's the norm.
7. When you're in a situation that is unwinnable, there's no point going down with the ship. Conversely, it's usually worth giving it everything you've got until the outcome is inevitable. The decision to stay in college until l could leave iwth my self-confidence intact was one of the smartest things l ever did. l left your dad only when l felt l'd exhausted all the options nad had no hope of improvement and no fear of regret. l resigned from CARE because once Steve (the boss) lost confidence in me, it was going to be all downhill. The tricky part of this insight is knowing when the tipping point comes. Don't act too soon, but act when you must.
8. Anger is debilitating and can get the best of me. l can handle hurt, sadness and grief. l can handle jealousy, though less effectively. But acknowledging and finding an acceptable outlet for anger has been tough. l've learned, however, that (a) if l give myself a little time and distance, (b) get an accurate understanding of what l'm angry about (versus displacing it onto a scapegoat) and (c) figure out a way to express it that minimizes the chance of hurting someone, it's much healther to get it out in the open. lt's much less damaging in the long run. Unexpressed anger doesn't go away. lt can eat up your insides or come out at the wrong target and the wrong time, doing much more harm than good. Anger is rarely irrational. There's a reason, maybe even a good one --- and it behooves me to find the root cause and deal with it.
9. Find out what nurtures your soul (your best, healthiest self) and what doesn't. The three things that are most healing and life-giving to me are prayer, solitutde and healthy living (emotional, social, physical). Doing something kind for someone is self-care. A daily rehearsal of everything l'm grateful for reminds me what a grand life l have in spite of various difficulties and hurdles. Organizing stuff, cleaning out the clutter (whether in closets or my brain) is always refreshing. l like to be smart physically, psychologically, and spiritually, and this means maintaining my exercise routing, spending time with Andrew and other friends, being alone, writing, painting, and even doing crossword puzzles. When l do things out of a need to keep up with the Joneses or establish my place or get approval, l begin to feel anxious and burned out, so l'm trying to stay clear on motivations.
10. Control is an illusion. There are some things we control of course, but ultimately, the events that really change our lives always include the reminder (usually via a whack on the side of the head) that we aren't in charge. A father's sudden death. A sick baby. Riots in Chicago. lllness, aging, death. And this is where my faith comes into play for me. l don't usually need God until l recognize that l'm not in the driver's seat and/or l can't manage alone. When l've messed up my life or am simply stumped, it's time to ask for help, to get in touch with the wisest part of myself that is God within. A faith in God isn't required here - it's knowing when we need to reach out, when we need to lean on others who can help us find our way, that's important. lt's knowing when we can't do it all by ourselves. My definitions of God, faith, soul, spirit, etc. are as open as possible, but l know it's critical for me to create a personal understanding of those things, one that can sustain me when losing my mind or drowning in hopelessness. lf l didn't have faith in SOMETHING, even if it's just *me*, l would have nothing.
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